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New Endings

It’s been almost two years since I first started my blog, and today with this, my twentieth post, I will finish it.

Two years ago my head and heart felt full. A heaviness of hurt, emotion and stories too sad to tell. As I had put my pen to paper and began to write, i’d felt a release. With every story of mine I told, I shared my hurt with all of you, and so the burden it had on me grew smaller.
However, the feelings of low self worth and the constant reminders of him were ever present. Why did he still have such a hold over the way I felt? Why did he come up in almost every conversation I had? Why did I still feel ‘not enough’?

I realise now as I look back that the reason he was still so present in my life was because I was in no better a place than that which I was when I was with him. I was totally lost. I had lost sight of who I was, I was on a path of self destruct. My actions were that of someone that had lost sight of who they really were deep down. I was not the girl I had been before him. I needed her back to heal, and to let go of the past.

The paths we choose to take in our lives can lead us to places we never thought we would see, good and bad. We cannot double back and choose a different direction, but what we can do is deviate and choose another road that lies before us. We hope that path is the one that is meant for us, all we can do is be strong, be brave and walk it with our heads held high.
Almost a year ago, I chose a new path to walk. I chose this path for myself, it was one I wanted to take, one I needed to take. Looking into the eyes of the new path I could see a happier ending looking back at me. More importantly I could see myself. I was looking into the eyes of the old me, the ‘me’ before him. She was young, happy, successful. Free from hurt and sadness, guilt and self loathing. She knew the person she was. Confident, loyal and apparently, ‘a bit of a dork’, I liked her. I hadn’t seen her for a while and it was nice to see her. She smiled at me, took my hand and down that path together we began to walk.
Together we left him behind. And I became me again.

A couple of months ago, with the support of my other half, I wrote an email, and send it. The recipient? Him.

I won’t say what I wrote as for me it was the end of my journey of recovery, like a grieving process. I had finally laid to rest all the hurt, guilt, anger, resentment and grief I had carried within me that ate away at me every day. As the email sent, I felt an immediate lift. Like the ghosts of my past had gone to their final resting place, and would no longer be haunting me.

Finally, he was gone.

My rock, the love of my life, he says to leave the past where it belongs, in the past. We cannot change what happened, only deal with the emotions we have been left with and then walk away from it into a brighter future.
He is right, and I continue to walk my new path with my head held high and happiness in my heart.

Thank you to all of you that have followed me on my journey.
To those I have lost along the way, perhaps one day we will meet again, I hope so.
To those still in an abusive relationship, stay strong, reach out, chose a new path, however scary it is, (and trust me I know how scary it is) follow it, what do you have to lose?
To my mum and dad, you are without doubt the strongest, most incredible human beings to walk this earth. If every one had one of you, the world really would be a better place. I love you.
To my three youngest children, you give me my reason to exist, my reason to breathe. You are my world.
To my son, my big grown up teenage boy. The little boy with the big brown eyes that looked up at me that night when I told you it was time to leave. You’re my rock. Always have been. Always will be.
And to you, my new future, my path. You helped me find me again. For that, my love, I am eternally yours.

A TRUE STORY OF LOVE AND FEAR

Him - by Danielle Davis - danielle davis therapist
 
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"This was a read in which you could not put down. What a remarkable account of a woman and her children’s horrific journey"