The term ‘bunny in headlights’ could never be more apt when describing ’newbies’ as we used to call them, when they first visited the club. Wide eyed and visibly nervous, they would stand at reception, fumbling fingers paying their entry fee, nervous laughs attempting to mask their discomfort. After a brief tour around the club by the doorman, they would be bought back to the bar for a drink to calm their nerves.
Kate and Ben are a 30 something previously monogamous couple. They met at uni, each other’s first loves. Kate is an English teacher, Ben a self-employed photographer. They have no children, having focussed much of their time on career progression. Their weekends up until now have been spent catching up with friends, summer BBQs and boozy dinner dates. For a year now, Kate has had a fantasy of introducing another female into their sexual relationship. Not as a permanent fixture, but as a one off sexual encounter. Ben, more than happy with this fantasy, is even more happy now they have taken the plunge to turn the fantasy into reality.
Ben orders two vodka cokes, and they sit on the stools at the bar, glancing around at the other couples, taking it all in. It’s not long before he beckons me over. ‘Hiya,’ he smiles nervously, as I approach. ‘Any advice for us? It’s our first time…’
This question got fired at me on an almost weekly basis, whether it be from the lips of a young single guy standing there twiddling his wedding ring on his sweaty fingers, his first afternoon at MILF Club, or an elderly single female attending Fetish party. The answer I gave was the same every time. “Have you decided on your boundaries?‘ ’Have you agreed together where the boundaries are?’ ‘If you have, stick to them, do not cross them. Even in the heat of the moment, when desire and excitement is telling you to do it, if you’ve decided or agreed you won’t go that far, don’t. You CAN come back once you’ve reassessed and recreate that moment, but you cannot go back once that boundary has been crossed.’
I say the same thing to Kate and Ben. They both nod in agreement. ‘Yeah, we are only here to find a single girl… lucky old Ben, eh!’ Kate laughs as she nudges him affectionately. Ben’s smile is ear to ear, he’s the cat that‘s got the cream at the moment.
As the evening wears on, Kate and Ben move through the crowds of people, and as ladies begin to emerge from the changing room in lingerie I see Kate’s hands holding on tighter to Ben’s arm, and I see Ben’s eyes roaming, a consensual sexual candy shop laid out before them. I hope they will be ok, and keep my fingers crossed they remember my advice.
For many people making the decision to take their relationship to a new dimension can start with finding somewhere like a sex club where they can explore their fantasies and desires. For some it’s an accidental threesome after a party with a mate that gets the non-monogamy juices flowing, for others it can be a long discussed mutual decision and hours trawling online to find a perfect match for their first experience. My advice every time would be the same. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. And without doubt, if you’re not on the same page as your partner if you have one, then stop right where you are and go back ten paces. Consensual non-monogamy is very different to coerced non-monogamy. Sadly, I’ve seen plenty examples of it when stood both sides of the bar. The couple that come in and it’s clear one of them is there purely for the other, it really is glaringly obvious. It nearly always ends in them leaving early, tensions running high, a heated argument on the cards.
As the club closing time draws nearer Kate and Ben emerge from the playrooms with another couple. Kate has clearly had one too many voddies and carries her heels, chatting animatedly with the man from the other couple. Ben lags slightly behind smiling, the woman from the other couple holding onto his arm, where Kate’s had been earlier. They follow me round to reception. ‘Brilliant night!’ They both say though bleary eyes and giggles. Ben pulls Kate into him and kisses her passionately while I settle their tab. ‘We’ll see you very very soon…’ they shout back as they leave together, hand in hand.
As I’ve mentioned previously, the characters I discuss in my blogs are fictional, but based on very real people and scenarios I have had the privilege to encounter. Kate and Ben’s story is the one that I’ve seen the most. Couples come along with a fantasy to tick off their sexual ‘bucket-list’, and despite the advice they ask for, allow the boundaries they may have pre-agreed, to be crossed, pushed, moved, whatever your want to call it. I know many couples where this hasn’t been a problem, they reminisce for days after, their sex life, connection, and desire for one another is suddenly taken up ten notches, they can’t keep their hands off each other, reminding them of the way it was when they first met. Their communication stays clear and healthy, and they remain on the same page, looking forward to their next encounter. However, it’s the Kate and Ben’s that don’t take the advice and it all goes wrong.
Let’s rewind.
As the club closing time draws nearer Kate and Ben emerge from the playrooms with another couple. Kate has clearly had one too many voddies and carries her heels, chatting animatedly with the man from the other couple. Ben lags slightly behind, his face unreadable, the woman from the other couple holding onto his arm, where Kate’s had been earlier. They follow me round to reception. ‘Brilliant night!’ Kate says though bleary eyes and giggles. Ben passes me their tab fob and gives me a half smile. ‘Thanks for everything,’ he mumbles, as Kate says, ’See you very very soon!’ They leave. Ben walking on ahead, Kate fumbling to get her shoes on, before she catches up.
Did I ever feel a sense of responsibility when people came in and didn’t get what they bargained for? Yeah, sometimes. The longer I was part of the lifestyle, the more I learned. The pit falls, the traps, the things you should avoid, the mistakes others made, the roads that were easy to go down that sometimes led to a relationship downfall, or worse, complete destruction of the person. It happens. I’ve seen it with my own eyes.
So where do you go when then that happens? You’ve gone too far down Alice’s rabbit hole and you can’t claw your way back up? The answer? If you are single, it’s about looking at yourself again. All of yourself. What makes you tick? What do you want, and why? How is your self-esteem? Your confidence? Your self worth? Do you feel you have lost the ability to make clear connections between what is a healthy relationship and what isn’t? Do you need to work on boundaries? I could go on, and on. And if you’re a couple, you need to communicate. Over communicate in fact. The mutual decision, or whim due to desire, to enter non-monogamy is a big one, and one not to be taken lightly. It can cause irreparable damage, but if you are willing to listen to each other and communicate effectively, it can be something your relationship can recover from, if you want it to. Couples counselling is a good idea if you are finding it hard to hear each other. Ultimately, you have to decide what you want; do you want to fight? Or is it too late? Either way, finding yourself is the key here. Self acceptance and self worth are the priority above all else.
