Priya and Andrew are a couple that attended the club most weekends. Probably one of the nicest couples I had the pleasure of meeting there. They are in their late 50’s I think, (god I hope, I never looked at their membership, they were ‘non-payers’, our regulars often had the benefit of gaining entry for free.) Priya, a tall, elegant, always immaculately dressed and eloquent woman with her husband Andrew, an even taller, smartly dressed, typically British gentleman, would go through the same routine, three drinks together at the bar, and then Priya would kiss Andrew affectionately, say ‘I love you,’ and disappear. Andrew always stayed at the bar, chatting and reassuring newbies, occasionally helping out with the odd bar restock when it was a busy night, and catching up with other regulars.
Andrew and Priya’s reason for attending was unique, however they weren’t the only people who came in with a slightly ‘different’ story to ‘the norm’. Non-monogamy has many guises. It’s not just for the couples who want variety and excitement, who want to turn their fantasy into reality. It’s for those who feel they have no other options, it’s for those who are finding ways to hold their relationships together.
Andrew has a long term illness which affects his ability to have sex, and as a result cannot offer Priya the sexual intimacy she craves. They are intimate in other ways, of course, they are deeply in love on every emotional level, Priya loves Andrew more than life itself…they’ve been together since they were teenagers, as Andrew likes to remind me when Priya isn’t at the bar.
‘I love how much you love each other,’ I say to Andrew as I serve him another drink. He shrugs, ‘She is everything.’
They come to the club because Andrew recognises the ‘need’ in Priya. He wants her to have the sexual experiences she needs, but he cannot give her. They discussed it many times before taking the plunge, and despite Priya’s instant rejection of such a lifestyle, Andrew communicated effectively why non-monogamy would be, for them, a good idea, and slowly they dipped their toes in. Priya’s sexual needs were met, and so were Andrews- his need to ensure his wife was fulfilled, and happy.
A couple of hours later Priya returns. She speaks into Andrews ear for some time, he smiles, and for the rest of the evening they enjoy their time together at the bar. Near the end of the night, a smart older gentleman approaches them, I see him speak to Andrew, shake his hand, kiss Priya on the cheek, and leave.
I rarely witnessed the supposed ‘seedy’ stereotype of the goings on at sex clubs. More often, I saw examples of selflessness, such as Andrew’s desire to ensure Priya was sexually fulfilled, trust, communication and unconditional love. And respect, such as that shown by the single gentleman who approached Andrew and shook his hand. He acknowledged Priya and Andrews relationship, knowing that to be invited to share an intimate moment within a marriage is a privilege.
Speaking of respect, I’m reminded of Craig. Craig approached the empty bar one weekday afternoon during a particularly popular party. A middle aged gent, handsome, a bit Clooney-ish, he’d been enjoying the hot tub and playrooms with everyone else and had a towel tied around his waist. ‘Could I have a water please?’ ‘Sure’, I said, passing him a bottle of water from the fridge. ‘So, how do you get a job somewhere like this then?’ He asked. If I had a pound for every time I was asked this question…
I explained the family link to him. People always seemed fascinated that it was a family business; I guess for many families sex is a bit of a no-go subject. We chatted for a while and Craig made to walk away, and then he turned back. ‘Please don’t think badly of me…’ he said, looking down at his wedding ring on his finger. I followed his gaze. ‘Oh god no!’ I smiled at him. ‘I’m not here to judge anyone. Everyone has their reasons for coming here, I’m sure you have yours.’ I hated to think that he thought I was judging him, when the truth of the matter was, I hadn’t even clocked his wedding ring. I saw hundreds of ‘single’ guys applications daily, majority of them turning up with wedding rings on. That’s just how it was, and perhaps that was one of the sadder parts of working there. I just got used to it. ‘I’m a widow,’ he blurted out, and his eyes filled with tears. He put his drink down, and sat on the stool. I put down the glass and cloth I was drying it with, my full attention on this man in front of me. It’s funny, my counselling skills came in handy so many times standing at that bar. ‘She died two years ago. She had breast cancer. I miss her so much… we have two sons, they’re teenagers now. It’s just me, and them, and… I give everything I can to them, all my time, I want them to grow up good strong men, you know?’ I nod. ‘I’m so sorry for your loss,’ I say.
‘I cant bare the thought of trying to replace her. I can’t imagine bringing another woman home to the boys. Their mum is still alive to them in our house… she is to me too, it would feel like I was disrespecting her somehow. But I’m a man! I have feelings… urges… needs…’ He looked up a me, his eyes pleading with me to tell him it was ok, that she wouldn’t mind, that he had permission to get what he needed. ‘I come because I can’t hurt anyone here. The boys are at school, they’ll never know. I’m not having a one night stand and leading someone on, or hurting someone’s feelings by using them for sex. I come here and have a bit of fun and it’s consensual and uncomplicated, and then… I get to go home, and be Dad.’
Stories like Craig’s and Priya and Andrew’s, always gave me hope, but often filled me with sadness. Why? It all boils down to need. As humans we are very good at being accepting of the fact that we have certain needs that need to be fulfilled in order to function at a basic level, such as food, water and sleep. We often allow ourselves to indulge in these needs, and other than feeling guilty, or annoyed that perhaps we’ve not been as productive, or put on weight for example as a result, there isn’t this overwhelming sense of being judged or need for secrecy as there is when discussing one of our most basic of human needs, sex.
Imagine you’re on the phone to a family member – would ‘I really needed sleep this weekend, I stayed in bed for most of it- and ate an entire tub of Ben and Jerry’s,’ be met with the same reception as, ‘I really needed sex this weekend, I went to a sex club and filled my boots…’? I’ll take a stab in the dark and say for the majority of people the answer would be no.
So what is it about our sexual needs that requires such secrecy? Why the shock horror when someone openly admits they like, or even love to have sex? That they don’t want to just have sex with one person for the rest of their life- that they want to explore, indulge, experiment and find sexual intimacy with different partners?
For most of us in the western world, we are fed a narrative from the moment we begin to grow up. Leave education, kiss a few frogs, meet significant other, get engaged, set up home, get married, have babies, remain together till one of you leaves earth; at no point in this storyline do we hear-meet significant other, continue to meet others for either sexual or emotional intimacy. Because of this prewritten life narrative we are fed subconsciously via the relationships we see around us, stories, songs and films, we build our beliefs and values about relationships, love and sex. The sticking point comes when we decide to break away from that narrative. Breaking away from the societal ‘norm’ comes with its own set of issues, many that I encountered in my own journey, and viewed in others, and the one that kept coming up time and time again was the fear of being judged.
Judged by family, friends, work colleagues, judged by society… Is the woman that attends a sex club on a Saturday night to engage in consensual group sex going to be judged negatively…? Is the couple who spend their Sunday afternoon indulging in ‘pony play’ at a Kink party rather than sitting around the family dinner table having a roast going to be judged negatively…? Or at the least, misunderstood. It’s highly likely, and it happens. Why on earth would you feel the need to do that…? Why would you want to have sex with someone other than your partner? Why? Why? Why? And when they still don’t understand the reasoning behind your answer, you’re simply met with judgement.
It’s true, some need sex more than others, in the same way some of us need more fuel inside our bodies to sustain us than others. What we should remember, this difference in need should not breed indifference towards the person and their needs. As a counsellor, I never judge my clients on what they feel they need sexually- or how they explore that need. As long as it’s ethical, and consensual, then I’ll walk right along beside them.
So you see non-monogamy isn’t all about what someone might want, purely about fantasies and exploration, it can be about satiating a need within us and, I guess, it’s ok to be greedy every now and then too…
This blog has focused on when sexual need leads to non-monogamy and the examples I have given have had in the main, a positive outcome. In my next blogs I will be introducing you to five couples. I’ll be looking at what happens when different wants and needs collide, and the outcome is anything but positive.
Meet Giles and Rebecca- Giles wants to explore swinging, Rebecca doesn’t share his view. But Giles has a history of infidelity in past relationships. Giles tells Rebecca, ‘I know if we do it, I’ll be far less likely to cheat…’
Francis and Matt attended a club and met Marko and Saffron, they seem like the perfect play partners until Saffron and Matt start texting away from the group chat.
Sara and Jack entered polygamy ten years ago, they also enjoy the swinging scene. They met Ellie one night at a private sex party and her and Jack hit it off, Ellie is now Jacks girlfriend. The nights Ellie sits at home alone feeling anxious, thinking about Sara and Jack together are becoming more frequent. Will she ever be able to truly accept this new relationship style?
Shelley and Steve found swinging over ten years ago, but after a short break, Steve now wants to get back into it, but Shelley isn’t so keen. The arguments have started and they seem to be going round and round in circles… How can they both get what they want?
Angie and Mike dipped their toe into threesomes about five years ago after a chance encounter with Mikes housemate. Over the years they started pushing boundaries- getting more and more extreme, but now, as Mike watches Angie get ready to go out to meet a man for money, Mike wonders if they have allowed this lifestyle to take them too far down the rabbit hole…
