Francis and Matt are a married couple in their early 40’s, they’ve been together for 17 years, have a 15 year old son, and a 9 year old daughter. Francis is a stay home mum and Matt works in IT. Their kids are doing well at school and have jam packed schedules at weekends. Matt earns decent money and as a result they are lucky enough to own their own home, and have a family holiday once a year. Both Francis and Matt have healthy personal lives outside of the family unit too, with plenty of friends, hobbies and interests. Francis and Matt were friends before they got together, they have always had fantastic chemistry, and consider each other best friends. Life for them, is good.
It was three years ago that the subject of swinging came up. It had been entirely by accident. They had been at a bar one night and met another couple and ended up chatting. The other couple disclosed after a few too many, that they often went to a swingers resort in Gran Canaria, and the evening had turned into one of a fascinating question and answer session. Francis and Matt had talked about the resort for days after, and ended up googling all the other places and parties that existed in the uk and abroad. A whole new world had suddenly opened up to them and it was alluring.
Their first dabble had been a very off the cuff’visit to a club after a meal with ‘vanilla’ friends one evening. Spontaneity seemed to be the way they navigated their experiences with non-monogamy. Neither the jealous type, and driven by lust and a sense of adventure, in a very short space of time Matt and Francis had attended most clubs near them, had visited La Mirage in Gran Canaria, Fun4Two in Amsterdam and Mexico’s Desire Riviera Maya resort. They had grown a large circle of friends within the scene and were frequently invited to private parties.
And still, life was good.
***
It was heaving at the club, one of the most popular parties that bought in one of the ‘sexiest’ crowds, and the bar was three deep. Four of us behind the small bar struggled to keep up. ‘If anyone else asks me for Jäger bombs, I swear…’ I hissed to the other girl serving alongside me. She laughed. Bloody things were a pain in the arse, and I was covered in the sticky stuff having made hundreds already. As the bar gradually began to clear it was easier to see who was in to party. All the regulars, a few faces only seen on these particular nights, and some newbies, looking completely bewildered.
Busy nights at the club were just that- busy. Imagine a heaving nightclub; now imagine it with half naked bodies, women in lingerie, men in boxers, packed dance floor with girls dancing together in thongs, stockings and heels teasing the men, a casual oral orgy going on over at the sofas, bubbles in the hot tub, the sexiest bubble bath for 20…
Matt and Francis were there, they came in most party nights like these, always with a group of their attractive friends. They were a nice couple, I had chatted with them a few times and they were very down to earth, seemed very secure. I spotted them standing with another couple whom I recognised as Marko and Saffron. A very handsome couple who generally only attended this particular event. They seemed to be hitting it off. As the evening progressed and the bar grew quieter, Francis led Marko on to the dance floor and pole danced for him. It was at this point that I became aware of the obvious chemistry between Saffron and Matt. Stood in a small alcove they were talking with such intimacy it was hard to look away. She was barely inches from him, their eyes locked as they spoke, her head cocked slightly to one side, his hands periodically reaching up and brushing the side of her neck with his fingertips.
It’s funny. When you’re privy to enough people flirting, having oral sex, full penetrative sex, lap dances, it starts to become easy to spot the real chemistry. That ‘thing’ that happens between two people that is difficult to describe, to put your finger on. You become far more attuned to the subtle gestures of affection. The looks exchanged between two people, the sneaky finger stroking the small of a back, the trace of a telling smile on the lips.
We saw them. We often saw them exchanged between couples, but sometimes we saw them happen between individuals from separate couples. My husband was far better at spotting the latter than I was. He called every single one of the relationship breakdowns that happened openly at the club before they happened. Every. Single. One. Managing that place every week and weekend for ten years will do that to you.
I recall one particular evening when many of the regulars were in, a big group of couples we personally knew quite well. My husband came back from the DJ booth to my side beside the bar. ‘That’s going to happen,’ he said, pointing to the end of the bar where a guy from a couple we knew sat alongside the woman from another couple. ‘No way!’ I said, ‘they’re just really close friends.’ He shook his head. ‘She walked up to him and put her finger in his mouth and he bit down on it, looking into each other’s eyes… I’m telling you, there’s more there.’ He was right. Both couples split only weeks later and the couple described are now together; and actually they are clearly made for each other.
***
Matt and Francis swap numbers with Marko and Saffron at the end of the night and agree to meet up at a later date. They set up a group chat, keeping the momentum going until their next ‘meet’. They meet up at a private party a few weeks later, and a couple of clubs after that.
It’s at a private party arranged at a large country house with around 20 couples that they meet up for the fourth time and things change. Ever the party animal Matt can’t get ready and downstairs to join the fun quick enough, leaving Francis to get ready. When he gets downstairs Saffron is already waiting for him. She slides up beside him smiling, ‘Oh good, you got my message then…’ she whispers into his ear. ‘What message?’ he asks, as it dawns on him she’s sent a message to their private chat, the colour draining from his face. Turning and dashing back up to his room, he walks into Francis sitting on the edge of the bed, holding his phone, mascara tears running down her cheeks.
***
When couples enter into non-monogamy it is not uncommon for one, or both, to make connections with the people they invite into their relationship. I saw it far less within the couples that came along to the club and simply had sex with a random person, or couple they met that night. The problems always accompanied the couples that looked for connections with others. Friendships that started to have blurred lines. Sex with the same people that became frequent. How many times can someone have sex with someone they find attractive, and have a good connection with, before feelings start to get involved? What then? The risk you take, even as the most secure couple, is that you trust that neither you, or your partner will develop feelings beyond the agreed or unspoken boundaries. I think it’s safe to say, as humans with complex emotional intelligence, we are always going to find that scenario tricky to navigate, even in the most secure of partnerships.
If, as a couple, you don’t want to take the leap into polygamy, but you want to create regular connections with the same people, it’s about maintaining a high level of communication. Keeping clear and defined boundaries about what is, and isn’t acceptable. Are private chats ok, or should all communication be shared openly within the group? Do you meet separately? Are there any limitations around what intimate acts you engage in with a play partner? Without keeping the channel of communication open, regularly updating each other on how you feel, listening (really listening) reassessing boundaries, and if need be stepping back or away for a while to gain a little perspective, it is easy to lose sight of what is happening in each other’s world, and if there are cracks, these will begin to grow, making it harder to reconnect.
I have personal experience of and have seen this exact scenario happen to many couples. Granted, some of those people may be happier in their new lives, but the sad reality is, the majority of couples I saw on ‘the scene’ had families, children, and they were the ones that suffered the consequences when things went wrong.
The first steps into non-monogamy can be exciting, and in the early days can really bring a couple closer together, re-igniting the sexual chemistry that can often diminish over time in relationships, however my personal advice would be to go slowly. Make sure you’re on the same page, and if you’re not, reevaluate. How are you both feeling about it? What do you both want from it? How important is it for your relationship? Can you compromise? Will it potentially damage your relationship? And do this all the way through, before each experience, talk and listen to each other, and if adjustments need to be made, make them. It can be a tricky road to travel, and if navigating it isn’t going well, therapy can help to give the space needed to talk things through.
I think the most important thing to ask yourself before you enter into non-monogamy, and periodically throughout is, is it worth it?
