Giles 34 and Rebecca 25, are a newly engaged couple. Giles runs his own successful business, and Rebecca is a secretary for a small firm. Their relationship has always been turbulent, having met whilst Giles was already married five years ago. There have been trust issues on both sides, and Giles has been urging Rebecca to leave the job she loves to work for him full time. From the beginning of their relationship they have always had a very passionate and healthy sex life, however Giles’ penchant for porn has been at the core of more than a few of their arguments. Giles had mentioned swinging on and off since they got together, saying that it would be fun, and that it was just sex, and wouldn’t mean anything. Rebecca wasn’t for it, saying it wasn’t something she felt she either needed or wanted to do. A couple of years later, Giles has now said that without adding this extra dimension to their relationship, Giles fears he will cheat again. Rebecca agreed to attend the club, hoping in doing so, she would be able to keep their relationship together.
Giles and Rebecca attended the club for the first time as ‘newbies’ during an exceptionally busy Saturday 80’s themed party. Rebecca, an attractive woman in her mid 20’s stands nervously alongside Giles her fiancé, as he pays their entry fee. Giles is confident, a slight air of arrogance perhaps, I notice. Rebecca seems more timid, shy even; she looks down at the floor for much of the time. After their tour of the club, they return to the bar and Giles orders a bottle of champagne. I notice, as he does, he glances about him at the other nearby couples, pulling out a wadge of cash. As the bar filled up, and thong leotard and leg warmer clad women (there was a definite ‘Call On Me-Eric Prydz, feel going on with the outfits) Giles was clearly enjoying the atmosphere and chatted animatedly with nearby couples, buying rounds of shots for everyone, keeping Rebecca’s glass topped up. It was clear to see that other couples were warming to his confident personality, and the ‘alpha male’ air about him.
As the night progressed, Giles and Rebecca were swept off with a large group of regulars into the playroom. On an empty glasses sweep around the playrooms later in the evening, I passed a mass of writing bodies and recognised Giles and Rebecca amongst them. Giles making the most of two women, and Rebecca sandwiched between two men. One of the couple looked like they were enjoying themselves immensely, the other, not so much.
Rebecca doesn’t feel good enough for Giles. As a result, her self esteem has taken a hit. She cannot understand why he can’t just be happy with her and her alone, the same way that she is happy to simply be with him. Why isn’t she enough? Giles is using manipulation to get what he wants, regardless of his fiancé’s feelings. In this circumstance, this couple should be looking within their relationship to the deeper issues. Giles’ behaviour is self serving, and his controlling behaviours are resulting in Rebecca being the victim of abuse. They are likely on a road which will result in the breakdown of their relationship, either way, it is unhealthy, and the emotional damage to one or both parties is inevitable.
Coerced consent is when someone is coerced- this can be by way of ridicule, shame, threat, pressure, manipulation, substance abuse, into giving their consent to something they have or would have said no to. Simply put, consent is given voluntarily- anything other than that, is not consent.
By using the threat of infidelity, Giles has coerced Rebecca into engaging in non-monogamy, and ultimately sleeping with two men that she did not choose to. Not only has she engaged in unwanted sexual activity, she has also had to watch her fiancé do the same. The two men involved with Rebecca are innocent parties here. They are at a club where the expectation is that the women who attend are there voluntarily and when they give their consent, it is genuine. I doubt either of those men would have gone ahead had they known Rebecca’s true feelings.
Sadly, I imagine there were many examples of coerced consent at the club, but those examples were masked by smiling faces and silent threats. There were times when myself, or my very intuitive husband pulled people to one side and asked if they were ‘ok’, unfortunately there wasn’t much more you could do than that. We did refuse to serve people if they appeared too drunk to make informed decisions, but we knew it was happening. That was one of the downsides of running that place, being the voyeurs of so many poor choices and at times, consent that was built on pretty shaky foundations.
And it doesn’t just happen at the club. The past weeks conversations around consent and safety of women are all too familiar.
I was cooking dinner last night and my teenage daughter came and sat up on the worktop next to me. ‘Look at this idiot,’ she says, going into her filtered junk messages box, and showing me yet another message saying, ‘mmmmm, hey sexy. What’s your number.’ The profile picture at the top showing a guy probably in his 40’s.
This is a daily occurrence. She has her age on her profile, she’s under 16, and yet these grown men still send her messages, and more often than not, they are revolting. She showed me one not so long ago, and my skin crawled, it made me feel sick. ‘I’d love to *** in that tight little *****,’ it said, the profile photo of a smiling guy likely in his 30’s. Yep. He sent that to my 14 year old daughter. Did that make your skin crawl too? I should hope so.
Unfortunately, I know this is something she will experience now for many years, I had to, it’s how it is. Just before lockdown I went to a bar for a drink with some female colleagues, I hadn’t been to a ‘normal bar’ for quite some time, having spent most of my time behind the bar at the club. I didn’t stay long. The incessant jeering and staring by groups of men stood nearby became unbareable, I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I left when a particularly letchy guy grabbed my hand and checked my ring finger. ‘Gahhhh that’s a bloody shame!’ He exclaimed loudly, his gaggle of mates chuckling. ‘Sure you don’t want to rethink your decision?!’ I grabbed my hand away from his, ‘Very sure, thanks,’ I said, my heart racing and trying to move away from them. But he kept coming, talking at me. ‘I’m with my friends,’ I said, ‘Can you please leave me to it?’ But he didn’t, and neither did his mates, and eventually I sent a text to my other half to come and pick me up, and I cut my evening with the girls short.
What is it with guys like the ones I’ve mentioned above and their absolute inability to recognise boundaries when it comes to matters of sexual desire. If anyone actually asked them why they felt it was their right to behave in that way towards a woman I’m sure the guys in the pub would say ‘they were only having a laugh with the lads! Boys will be boys, eh?!’ And the guys behind the messages to my daughter- what would they say? Not much probably, they hide behind false profile photos and delete their accounts faster than they can type their abhorrent messages.
This sadly seems to be endemic in today’s society. Women and girls everywhere are having to just accept it, and get on with it as just one of the downsides to being a woman on social media, or just walking down the road.
Why? What is going on in the minds of the men that behave in such a way.
There seem to be very blurred lines around what is understood by the word ‘consent.’ Just because a girl is on social media and she posts photos of herself smiling, does that automatically mean she is consenting to accept vile and sexual messages into her inbox from strangers? Just because a woman goes out for drinks with her girlfriends and is dressed in leggings and knee high boots, has she given her consent to the men around her to throw sexual comments her way and make passes at her? Of course not, and anyone in their right mind would say the same. So why do some people think that they don’t need to have consent from their target to behave in that way? Why do they think it’s wanted, and further, appreciated? I am genuinely asking! I want to know! I doubt I’ll ever get the answer, because that would be for ‘that guy’ to come forward and explain…and like that’s ever going to happen.
Coercive control, coerced consent, disrespect and disregard of boundaries and consent are no laughing matter. Simply put, they are a violation of human rights. They can result in abuse, sexual assault, even rape, and no woman, no human being should be subjected to it, even if it might be ‘a bit of a laugh.’
‘Well, it’s just a bit of fun…!’
Says who? You? Cos you’re the only one laughing.
