It’s funny, I’ve been stewing on this now for over a week. This weird uneasy feeling nestled into my stomach. It’s a feeling I’ve not experienced for a while, but it is definitely one I have experienced before, it is familiar.
It’s the feeling of being judged, not being good enough; and it’s horrible.
It occurred to me, whilst stewing on it and over thinking some more, that I should write about it. That’s where I found the greatest healing before. I need to get it out of my gut and release it into the universe, hopefully then it won’t continue to affect me.
It’s a tricky one. I’ve written a book about my life living with and escaping from domestic abuse, and put it out there. I did this knowing full well it would be picked apart and evaluated. I check my reviews every few days, anxiety and apprehension taking hold of my chest as I log on and see the number of reviews has increased. It’s the written ones that strike fear into me. If I am so fearful of being negatively reviewed then why even bother? Why publish the book and invite potential critisicm?
I know why. It’s because I needed that book when I was 17, when I met him, to recognise the red flags that were already there staring me in the face. I needed the book when I was living through it, to know I wasn’t the only one. I needed it when I left, to see that hope is real, that it is possible to find happiness and move on. The main reason I put my book out there was to give that gift to other women and men who are living or have lived the same life and are looking to find some comfort, somewhere.
Just over a week ago I logged on and checked my reviews. And there it was, my first not-so-positive review. As I read it I felt myself redden, my face and chest flushed and my heart quickened. I felt embarrassed, and angry. How dare this person judge me! How dare this person have an opinion on my life! I was seething, this person had clearly never experienced domestic abuse.
"It was a typical ‘why didn’t she JUST leave sooner’ comment."
*rolls eyes*
Domestic abuse, at its very core is about POWER and CONTROL. The abuser has the power, and the control in the relationship. Throw in love, and fear, and violence, finances, low self-esteem, shame and embarrassment, give it a good shake up and you’re somewhere close to the daily onslaught of mental and physical ups and downs you go through.
Of course, this person is fully entitled to their opinion, and I have invited it. But telling others who read my book that I had ‘ample opportunity to leave, to put the safety of my children first, so why take so long to leave’, is fundamentally wrong. She clearly doesn’t understand domestic abuse on a deeper psychological level, I obviously didn’t do a good enough job explaining it.
It’s a strange feeling being judged by strangers. As I said above, I have invited it by putting myself out there, but even so, it kind of hurts. It makes me think of the celebrities, reality TV personalities, social media influencers, Youtubers etc that go through it on a daily basis. They too invite judgement, but it doesn’t mean they can deal with it. Sadly we are a society that seems to have forgotten the old saying, ‘if you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all.’ I wonder, if we didn’t have the ability to hide behind phone and computer screens whether those that spout so much negativity towards others, would do it in person, face to face? I very much doubt it. Would the person who left that review on my book say that to my face? Maybe. I would welcome it though, perhaps they need some more education on why people in abusive relationships leave and return on average 7 times before they make their final break away, if it’s that easy, why 7 times?
And maybe, seeing as almost one in three women ages 16 – 59 will experience domestic abuse in her lifetime, with a little more understanding, that reviewer could be a support to that one woman, and make a positive impact, rather than a negative one.
So, to all those who are putting themselves ‘out there’, there is a fine line between abuse and getting online criticism. Be kind to yourselves, and if it is getting too much too bear, reach out. After all, you’re only human, and humans bleed on the outside, and on the inside.
Words do hurt, just as much as sticks and stones.
